ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
