after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Is it penis luge time yet?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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