there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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