tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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