I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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