you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
did i just pee glitter
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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