Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I think my moral compass just broke
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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