Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
