I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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