All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
