fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This is my life. Enjoy the view
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
