she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
