I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
