sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
