he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
