i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Sober January is a disaster.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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