i wish peter jackson would direct porn
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
