I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
