I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
