all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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