do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My breasts were aching with rage.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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