They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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