omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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