I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
