He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just want nice things and good sex
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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