The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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