thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize