yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize