Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize