got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
