oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
