we have pet lesbian snakes
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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