I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
