My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can't turn off my feet"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
