I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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