You just made me feel so damn special
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
