he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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