you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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