My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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