Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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