I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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