i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
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