I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
