The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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