if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
