My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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