Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
