Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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