Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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