i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
