theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Barsexuality is the new black.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
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