dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
