for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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