Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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