ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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