tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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