I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
