Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you traded sex for a burrito?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
